Jokes
Old problems
Old men have problems that you haven’t even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day..
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, ‘Well, doc, it’s like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
’Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
’We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’
The doctor was shocked! ‘You asked your neighbor?’
The old man replied, ‘Yep, none of us could get the jar open.’
A man wrote a letter to the IRS: “I have been unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income and have enclosed a check for $200.00. If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.”
- Generation Y, people born between 1980 and- Generation X, people born between 1960 and- The Baby Boomers, people born between 1946
know.
Now, make someone else laugh. And have a
great day!
Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they spotted a tiger who looked both hungry and fast. One of the guys reached into his pack and pulled out a pair of Nikes. His friend looked at him. ”Do you really think those shoes are going to make you run faster than that tiger?” ”I don’t have to run faster than that tiger,” his friend replied. ”I just have to run faster than you.”
> Couple of gals chatting -
>
> I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is
> engaged,one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.
>
> We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our
> men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our
> eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here’s how it
> all went.
>
> My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he
> found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He
> saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.’ Then
> we made love all night long.
>
> The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at
> his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over
> my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a
> word, but we had wild sex all night.
>
> Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I
> was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask
> over my eyes.
> As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,
>
> ‘What’s for dinner, Batman?
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head… In a booming voice, the Lord said,
“Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish.”The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want.”The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I
can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly
things.
Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help
mankind.”The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, “Lord, I
wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how
she feels inside, what she’s thinking, why she cries, what she means
when she says nothing’s wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”
The Lord replied, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”
Last Tuesday, as
President Obama got off the helicopter in front
ofthe White
House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each
arm.
The
squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes
and says:”Nice pigs,
sir.”
The President
replies “These are not pigs…these are
authenticArkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for
Secretary of State HillaryClinton and I got
one for Speaker of The House
Nancy
Pelosi.”
The squared away
Marine again snaps to attention, salutes and
says,”Excellent
trade, sir.”